Tomorrow begins the second attempt at couples therapy. The first try ended with me being the one that went, while very little effort was made by the spouse to go.
It was my first year back from St. John's University, I had transfered to the University of Minnesota after my sophomore year, closer to home (and work), cheaper, and where I planned to go after my junior year.
I have invested 18 years of my life into this relationship, through ups and downs, the good times and the bad times, the formative years of my kids lives spent with the two of us as their main caretakers.
I had given up any dreams of playing college baseball, and settled for the comforting arms of slow pitch softball. I found a team made up of recent graduates of my high school, most were a year or two younger than I was, but I either knew them or knew of them. It was fun playing without any pressure, just for the joy of the game.
I've been around the block enough to know that in every relationship there will be rough patches, times where you feel like throwing your hands in the air and quitting. Times when you wonder why you ever started this relationship. But tomorrow is always another day.
The season was off to a horrible start, losses in the first 4 games, not even a single one a close game. People were shuffled around in positions, batting lineups jostled around, but to no avail, 2 more losses brought us into the month of June.
One always wonders when they are doing something in vain. When all your efforts will never pay off, when you are the giver and give and give and nothing gets better, nothing changes, even on that "tomorrow".
One more player joined us in the second game in June, he had been away at college and was back to play on the team, his brother having played with us all year. He filled the pitcher role, a place where that team had been struggling, but yet two more games and two more losses, bringing us to 0-9.
One often wonders, it's human nature after all, if you should just trash the whole thing, even with all the years you've invested into it, and move on. If a business had a bad location they'd move across town. If you have a bad experience with a car you trade it in for another. But people aren't businesses or cars, and so you keep working with the relationship you are in.
On a weekend in the middle of June I was invited by my second cousin (and neighbor, and now Godfather to my son) to fill in on the team he was playing on, seems one of their players wife was due to have their first baby any second and he decided not to go to the tournament. I started the day batting last and playing right field and by the end (championship game in which we lost) I was batting 5th and playing left center. A good team and they knew what they were doing in switching positions around, not like the team I was on. They told me the position would be mine if I wanted it, but I declined, I was committed to another team and this team played on the same night and same league as that team, in fact, in two weeks we'd be playing each other.
I've always been one to give the people in my life the benefit of the doubt, one extra chance even if not really deserved. So while things are rocky and not getting much better unless I put maximum effort into the relationship and not get much of anything in return, I will give this round of therapy my best effort. I won't be happy with myself unless I do, regardless, right now, of the effort I see in return.
My now 0-10 team faces my second cousins team, it's not a pretty game, they are in first or second in the league, and outside of knowing the guys on the team and playing well, it's another bummer of a night at the ballfield. Once again I'm asked to fill in on their team for the remainder of the year (3 games left) but again I thank them for the offer, but chose to honor my committment to this team.
I know my spouse, with all her medical maladies, cannot match the effort level I can put into a relationship, or more accurately fixing one, but I do want to at least see some effort on her part, if she's not going to try, why should I put in what I see as maximum effort for no reward?
Most people on the team had given up by now, they'd take games off to do who knows what, and there was talk of not coming back as a team next year. Second to last game of the year, staring a 0-14 record in the face, we are in a close game, in fact, top of the last inning and we are tied 2-2, a very low scoring game for that league. I'm batting second and after the first hitter makes an out, I am able to drive the ball into the gap, easily pulling into second for a double. I know the next few hitters are horrible, one was playing for the first time all year and barely made contact, so when the next batter hits a weak grounder to the second baseman (when the ball is hit behind you generally you can take the next base) for the second out, I take off for third, but never even consider stopping, even though the third base coach was telling me to stop. I slide into home with time to spare, and we take a 3-2 lead into the bottom of the inning, and hold on to win our first game. The next game was back to nobody caring or trying, and we finished that year with a 1-13 record. They did come back as a team the following year.
So the next few months will play the story of my marriage out. Is she serious that she wants me to stay and wants a healthy as possible under our circumstances marriage? Or is she just interested in me staying because I'll put in all the effort to make the marriage work and be her caretaker with nothing given back to me?
I did not return with the team. I started playing with the team my second cousin was on, we went to 3 state tournaments and I played with them until the team broke up because we were all having kids and didn't have the time anymore.
Because I will stay with a bad situation that I've made a promise to, but, if I don't see everyone in the situation trying to make it better, I'll eventually find the time to make a change.
Brian AKA Whip 007 Minnesota, 12/4/2011
It was my first year back from St. John's University, I had transfered to the University of Minnesota after my sophomore year, closer to home (and work), cheaper, and where I planned to go after my junior year.
I have invested 18 years of my life into this relationship, through ups and downs, the good times and the bad times, the formative years of my kids lives spent with the two of us as their main caretakers.
I had given up any dreams of playing college baseball, and settled for the comforting arms of slow pitch softball. I found a team made up of recent graduates of my high school, most were a year or two younger than I was, but I either knew them or knew of them. It was fun playing without any pressure, just for the joy of the game.
I've been around the block enough to know that in every relationship there will be rough patches, times where you feel like throwing your hands in the air and quitting. Times when you wonder why you ever started this relationship. But tomorrow is always another day.
The season was off to a horrible start, losses in the first 4 games, not even a single one a close game. People were shuffled around in positions, batting lineups jostled around, but to no avail, 2 more losses brought us into the month of June.
One always wonders when they are doing something in vain. When all your efforts will never pay off, when you are the giver and give and give and nothing gets better, nothing changes, even on that "tomorrow".
One more player joined us in the second game in June, he had been away at college and was back to play on the team, his brother having played with us all year. He filled the pitcher role, a place where that team had been struggling, but yet two more games and two more losses, bringing us to 0-9.
One often wonders, it's human nature after all, if you should just trash the whole thing, even with all the years you've invested into it, and move on. If a business had a bad location they'd move across town. If you have a bad experience with a car you trade it in for another. But people aren't businesses or cars, and so you keep working with the relationship you are in.
On a weekend in the middle of June I was invited by my second cousin (and neighbor, and now Godfather to my son) to fill in on the team he was playing on, seems one of their players wife was due to have their first baby any second and he decided not to go to the tournament. I started the day batting last and playing right field and by the end (championship game in which we lost) I was batting 5th and playing left center. A good team and they knew what they were doing in switching positions around, not like the team I was on. They told me the position would be mine if I wanted it, but I declined, I was committed to another team and this team played on the same night and same league as that team, in fact, in two weeks we'd be playing each other.
I've always been one to give the people in my life the benefit of the doubt, one extra chance even if not really deserved. So while things are rocky and not getting much better unless I put maximum effort into the relationship and not get much of anything in return, I will give this round of therapy my best effort. I won't be happy with myself unless I do, regardless, right now, of the effort I see in return.
My now 0-10 team faces my second cousins team, it's not a pretty game, they are in first or second in the league, and outside of knowing the guys on the team and playing well, it's another bummer of a night at the ballfield. Once again I'm asked to fill in on their team for the remainder of the year (3 games left) but again I thank them for the offer, but chose to honor my committment to this team.
I know my spouse, with all her medical maladies, cannot match the effort level I can put into a relationship, or more accurately fixing one, but I do want to at least see some effort on her part, if she's not going to try, why should I put in what I see as maximum effort for no reward?
Most people on the team had given up by now, they'd take games off to do who knows what, and there was talk of not coming back as a team next year. Second to last game of the year, staring a 0-14 record in the face, we are in a close game, in fact, top of the last inning and we are tied 2-2, a very low scoring game for that league. I'm batting second and after the first hitter makes an out, I am able to drive the ball into the gap, easily pulling into second for a double. I know the next few hitters are horrible, one was playing for the first time all year and barely made contact, so when the next batter hits a weak grounder to the second baseman (when the ball is hit behind you generally you can take the next base) for the second out, I take off for third, but never even consider stopping, even though the third base coach was telling me to stop. I slide into home with time to spare, and we take a 3-2 lead into the bottom of the inning, and hold on to win our first game. The next game was back to nobody caring or trying, and we finished that year with a 1-13 record. They did come back as a team the following year.
So the next few months will play the story of my marriage out. Is she serious that she wants me to stay and wants a healthy as possible under our circumstances marriage? Or is she just interested in me staying because I'll put in all the effort to make the marriage work and be her caretaker with nothing given back to me?
I did not return with the team. I started playing with the team my second cousin was on, we went to 3 state tournaments and I played with them until the team broke up because we were all having kids and didn't have the time anymore.
Because I will stay with a bad situation that I've made a promise to, but, if I don't see everyone in the situation trying to make it better, I'll eventually find the time to make a change.
Brian AKA Whip 007 Minnesota, 12/4/2011
i liked how you intertwined the stories.
ReplyDeletewhy does marriage have to be such hard work?!!
besides your children, marriage is the next
hardest job. i have faith you two will find
a way. the path to some kind of happyness. :)
i'm so pleased you started a blog brian!
Marriage shouldn't be such hard work!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked the stories and that you are pleased I started a blog.
You'll be the only reader (judging by what's happened so far) but that isn't a bad thing ;)